1.   "When I press my forehead with my finger, it really hurts, " a patient complained to his doctor.
        "And when I do the same to my cheek, it's also painful. Even if I press on my stomach, I suffer.
       What can it be?"
       Stumped, the physician sent the patient to a specialist.
       The man returned to his doctor the following week. "what did the specialist say?" the doctor
       asked. The man replied.
       She said I have a broken finger 

2.   How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
      Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

3.   Two little boys were spending the night with their grandparents.
      Before they went to bed they got down on their knees to say their prayers.
      The youngest one starts praying at the top of his lungs saying, "God I pray that you'll give
      me a new bicycle.  And I pray that you'll give me a new play station".
      His brother said, "Why are you yelling, God is not deaf".
      The little boy said, "I know that, but grandmother is".

4.   Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calender?
      They both got 6 months!
5.   This guy's cruising down the highway way over the speed limit. Cop pulls him over.

"Sorry officer, guess the speedometer got away from me. Happens every time I get hammered and

 try to drive home."

"What?! You're intoxicated?"

"Well, I needed a stiff drink after I shot that guy! It's okay though, I managed to fit the body in the


"Sir, keep your hands where I can see them. Give me your license and registration right now."

"Well, I would but it's in the glove compartment where I threw the gun, it's still pretty bloody, and I

don't want it to fall out until it's dried."

"Do. Not. Move. I'm calling for back-up."

Back-up gets there. Second officer gets out, says

"Sir, please open your trunk."

Guy opens it. Clean as a whistle.

"Please show me your glove compartment."

Guy opens it. Clean as a whistle, along with his license, and registration.

"I'll need you to take a breathalyzer."

Guy blows a .00

"Well what's going on? This officer said you had a dead body in the trunk, a bloody gun in the glove

compartment, and were drunk."

Guy says,

"Hah, I bet he said I was speeding too."

6.  Two cows are standing out in a field talking. One turns to the other and says "Have you heard about this mad cow disease? Cows just losing their minds... Doesn't that scare you?"
The other one thinks for a second and responds "No, because I'm a helicopter".
7.   A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"